My Dinner With Piggly
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory's attempt to secure her agency's future with the CIA by charming an influential senator takes a turn for the worst. You would have thought she'd have learned by now to never bring Archer and her employees to an important dinner. Or a radioactive pig to an all you can eat buffet.


**Piggly ate the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some madness from my mind when I thought of Mallory trying to keep her agency in play. And another reason why she was quickly running out of backers.**

 **My Dinner With Piggly **

"Well that was awkward," Cyril groaned as the team slumped into the office that evening. They were dressed in singed evening clothes as well as being covered in food stains.

"Cyril, getting caught outside your hotel room naked with a naked woman in front of her husband, children, and mother in law is _awkward_ ," Archer gave him a look. " **That** was a total disaster."

"That's happened to you more than once hasn't it?" Ray asked.

"Who brings their mother in law on vacation?" Archer asked. "I tell you there's a lot of sick weird women out there."

"And trust **you** to find them!" Lana barked.

"Oh here we go!" Archer rolled his eyes. "I suppose you're blaming me for this whole fiasco."

"And why would we do **that?** " Mallory asked sarcastically. "Just because you defiled our potential sponsor's…excuse me, **former** potential sponsor's wife **and** daughter…"

"Not at the **same time**!" Archer barked. "And not even in the same year! Those affairs were years ago!"

"Do you have any idea how humiliated I was tonight because of _you_?" Mallory shouted at her son.

"I thought you would be used to it by now," Cheryl spoke up.

"Shut up! I will tear you a new one later!" Mallory glared at Cheryl.

She turned back to her son. "Sterling, did I or did I **not** stress how **important** this night was for this agency?"

"Big deal! You tried to impress some senator…" Archer rolled his eyes.

"Not just some senator!" Mallory interrupted. "Senator Martin has great influence not only with the CIA but in many facets of government!"

"And he used to be your ex-boyfriend," Archer groaned.

"And thank you for telling his wife that right at the table!" Mallory shouted.

"I was just pointing out that the Senator was being a bit of a hypocrite," Archer said. "He gets something on the side all the time! Why shouldn't his wife and daughter?"

"Again… **thanks a lot** for you to say that **out loud!"** Mallory shouted. "Where **everyone** in that restaurant could hear you!"

"Hey! That family obviously had a lot of problems before I came along!" Archer pointed out. "And not just the marriage by the way…"

"So obvious that divorce Mrs. Martin was screaming about has been coming for a long time," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"But the daughter **and** the mother Archer?" Lana gave him a look. "That's pretty disgusting even for you!"

"I dunno, they were both pretty hot," Pam spoke up.

Archer protested. "I didn't even know they were related until I saw them. Man that mother had a lot of work done."

"Nice of you to comment on that by the way," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Really smoothed things over with Senator Martin."

"I thought it only made things worse," Krieger blinked. "Isn't that what made Mrs. Martin throw all those dishes at…?"

"I was being sarcastic you clueless clone!" Mallory snapped. "Not that you were much help tonight! Why did you bring that pig with you?"

"Hey! First of all Krieger and I thought it would be fun to go as buddies," Pam spoke up.

"I wasn't talking about **you**! I was talking about the **other pig!"** Mallory interrupted. "The actual **four legged** one! God I'm going to have to come up with new adjectives to insult all of you! As if I didn't have enough to do around here!"

"You said bring evidence of my groundbreaking research," Krieger spoke up.

"I was thinking of some notes or some kind of paper proof!" Mallory snapped. "I certainly wasn't talking about a radioactive human flesh eating pig that attacked Senator Martin's wife like Pam at the buffet table!"

"Well excuse me! But when a restaurant says all you can eat! It's all you can eat!" Pam snapped. "It is an implied contract! Besides I'm not the one who picked the place. And they had all you can eat lobster! How can you turn that down?"

"Most people only eat two lobsters," Cyril said. "Not twenty!"

"It was only nineteen!" Pam snapped. "I had to leave room for dessert."

"Why did we go to an all you can eat restaurant anyway?" Ray asked. "I thought a senator would prefer something classier?"

"Andrew always was a bit common when it came to dining," Mallory groaned. "That's why we only dated for under a month."

"Piggly was definitely not happy to go to a place that served all you can eat ribs," Krieger sighed.

"Even your stupid hologram girlfriend would have been better than that monstrosity!" Mallory snarled at Krieger. "Or the **other** monstrosity!" She pointed to Pam.

"I would have brought her but she said she had to update her software," Krieger said. "And trust me that's very important."

"So was this dinner!" Mallory snapped.

"Why? That was never really clear," Cheryl asked.

"Not to you, because you spent half the time eating those stupid drugged up gummy bears you brought," Mallory snapped. "And the other half arguing with your stupid imaginary enemies!"

"The ostrich was real and it was mocking me!" Cheryl shouted.

"And that's why you set the table on fire?" Cyril asked. "Because you thought it was an ostrich?"

"No Cyril I didn't set the table on fire because I thought it was an ostrich," Cheryl snorted. "Get a clue. The ostrich was in the ladies room and it wouldn't come out. I set the table on fire to get back at that skanky little whore."

"Otherwise known as Celia Martin, Senator Martin's daughter," Lana groaned.

"Hey that bitch has always looked down on me since high school!" Cheryl snapped. "She deserved those third degree burns!"

"Yeah thanks for the head's up about your family and hers being rivals for years," Lana groaned. "By which I mean you said **nothing** about that until we got to the restaurant and called her names!"

"Technically it was between her mother and mine," Cheryl said. "Way back at the debutante ball where both my mother and her mother came out. Her mother falsely accused my mother of flipping a chaperone the bird and setting a ladies' room on fire!"

"I dunno," Pam said. "That does seem kind of credible considering your family history."

"No one on my mother's side of the family ever committed arson!" Cheryl gave her a look. "A couple of poisonings and an axe murder yes. Arson no! That's strictly on the Tunt side of the family!"

"That's good to know," Ray rolled his eyes. "And apparently so is starting food fights."

"She started it by stealing my boyfriend in high school," Cheryl folded her arms. "I forget which one but I know she took one of them!"

"So to recap," Archer looked at his mother. "The guy who brought the rampaging radioactive pig and the woman who set a fire isn't **worse** than I am? All I did was sleep with both Mrs. Martin and her daughter!"

"You hit on both of them at the table!" Lana barked. "Right in front of everyone!"

"As a joke! I was trying to cut the tension," Archer protested.

"Senator Martin looked like he was about to cut you in half the way he was holding that steak knife," Ray remarked.

"For once I'm glad Ron had to go to make one of his stupid monthly trips," Mallory groaned.

"Yeah you would have had to explain another one of your boyfriends you never told him about," Pam snorted. "Speaking of boyfriends…"

"What did I do?" Ray asked as everyone looked at him.

"More like who you did," Archer snorted. "No wait, is it whom you did?"

"Celia's fiancé," Cheryl snorted. "Oh wait, now ex-fiancé!"

"Excuse me but it is not my fault Percy decided to come out of the closet at that moment!" Ray snapped.

"Right after he admitted dating you," Pam snorted.

"Only for less than a month!" Ray protested. "And I'm not the one who brought it up! PAM!"

"I said I was sorry for being innapropes! Jesus!" Pam threw up her hands. "I just mentioned that I remembered you two locking lips way back when at the Snug!"

"It was so totally worth it to see Celia's stupid face!" Cheryl laughed. "Right before the fire burned her dress!"

"Oh God I need a drink," Mallory grumbled as she got one from her bar.

" _Another_ one?" Ray asked. "You already drank six glasses of scotch and four glasses of wine!"

"And I'm going to drink some more," Mallory glared at him. "And you Miss Gillette…Oh I'm too tired to insult you right now. Insert your own homophobic joke."

"Hey I didn't set any fires, throw any food, bring in a radioactive man eating pig or **shoot** anyone!" Ray snapped.

"Technically it was a woman eating pig but…" Archer began.

"But the shooting incident definitely was a strike against us! Not as much as the fire Cheryl set but…" Lana sighed. "Way to go Cyril!"

"It was an accident!" Cyril shouted.

"Who the hell gave you a gun in the first place?" Lana barked.

"Archer did!" Cyril pointed at Archer.

"Oh yeah that was my bad," Archer blinked. "I was kind of buzzed and I think I ate some of Cheryl's gummy bears so I was a little paranoid. So I may have loaned Cyril my gun."

"You made me take your gun!" Cyril snapped. "You said you needed backup!"

"The way the senators' bodyguard was looking at me I thought I might need some," Archer shrugged. "Fortunately the scotch and ribs balanced me out so I'm fine now."

"Fine is such a relative term for you Sterling," Mallory grumbled.

"So why did you shoot a waiter?" Lana asked Cyril.

"I didn't mean to shoot a waiter! It went off by accident when Archer drunkenly shoved his gun into my hand!" Cyril snapped. "It wasn't my fault!"

"You know what?" Mallory glared at them. "This is my fault! I should know better by now that inviting you lot to any type of networking occasion is nothing but a recipe for disaster!"

"Oh yeah like all your parties go without a hitch," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Why did you bring us all to that restaurant in the **first place**?" Lana asked Mallory.

"I wanted the senator to see what kind of agency he was backing," Mallory groaned.

"Mission accomplished," Ray quipped.

"This was a night that was supposed to end with our agency gaining a lucrative client and eventually more respect and security within the CIA," Mallory grumbled. "And what did I **get?** A rampaging flesh eating pig, a couple of crass lunatics **eating** like pigs and my son **behaving** like a pig! Now that I think about it, the pig was the most **well behaved** of the lot!"

"Again you're not talking about me right?" Pam asked.

"I was supposed to get a signed contract by the end of the evening," Mallory sighed. "But instead I lost a supporter. And gained a few possible lawsuits!"

"Not to mention another restaurant we're banned from," Pam added.

"Oh what a tragedy," Mallory mocked before she took a drink. "But the real tragedy is that I've lost yet another contact! This was supposed to help our agency! With Senator Martin's backing we wouldn't have to worry about the CIA shutting us down! Now…"

Just then the phone rang. "Now the other shoe drops…" Mallory groaned.

"Do you want me to get that?" Cheryl asked innocently.

"I want you to **get** a lot of things but not the phone this time," Mallory glared at Cheryl as she went to answer the phone. "At the top of the list is a pickaxe to your empty head!"

Mallory answered the phone. "Hello? Oh…Hawley…What a surprise. No, not at all. Just working late. Burning the midnight oil. Oh. Let me explain….No I did **not** tell Cheryl to start that fire! And how did you know about that in the first…? Oh…Ohh…"

"Oh this is not going to go well…" Lana winced.

"It never does," Ray sighed.

"I can explain…" Mallory spoke into the phone. "Well technically I wasn't trying to go over your head. Just around it. But… **What?** How did he die? Senator Martin wasn't shot or bitten! Food poisoning? _Seriously_?"

"Told him not to eat all that potato salad," Pam shook her head. "Rookie mistake to go for filling sides at an all you can eat buffet."

"So Senator Martin is dead by **food poisoning**?" Lana's jaw dropped.

"Wow what are the odds?" Krieger blinked.

"At that dump of a restaurant about ten to one!" Mallory quipped at Krieger before returning her attention to the phone. "Yes…I…Really? So…Yes. Yes I understand. I see. I'll tell them. Fine. But I…I…Yes. Yes. Yes. I understand. I _said_ I understood didn't I? You don't have to have a tone about it! But I…Fine! Thank you Hawley."

Mallory hung up the phone. "Bitch!" She hissed.

"Let me guess what **that** was about," Lana sighed. "The CIA is willing to cover up the Senator's death and the whole incident but at a price. Am I right?"

"Yes but fortunately it isn't monetary," Mallory sighed. "Apparently Senator Martin was rubbing a lot of top officials in the CIA the wrong way lately…"

"We really should bring back phrasing," Archer remarked.

"So his death wasn't exactly a huge blow to the CIA," Mallory sighed. "However Hawley warned me to **never** do this again upon pain of moving us all to a black site somewhere so remote even the CIA doesn't know where it is. Which means we can **never** talk about this! It _never happened_ , blah blah…And just to be on the safe side he's going to warn the senators the CIA actually **likes** in advance!"

"So there goes your shot at seducing them," Cheryl guessed.

"Bingo, bimbo!" Mallory snapped. She took a drink. "Oh and just for the hell of it, he's decided to count this as a failed mission **against us** so we are one step closer to being fired."

"How many missions do we have left?" Cyril asked nervously.

"Not as many as you'd think," Mallory sighed. "Speaking of which Hawley is sending us a courier with another mission briefing. He should be here any minute."

She paused and looked around. Nothing happened. "Maybe there's traffic?" Pam suggested.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A man's scream was heard outside.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Krieger where's your damn pig?" Ray asked.

"In the van," Krieger said. "I think…"

"LET ME GO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"He's not in the van is he?" Krieger asked.

Ray went to the office window and looked outside. "No, he is not."

They all went to the window to look. "Wow…Piggly has such a nice green glow in the dark," Cheryl said cheerfully. "You can see him from here."

"Yeah see him attack our CIA contact and eat him alive," Lana groaned.

"No, the CIA agent got away," Archer pointed. "Piggly's eating some kind of paper."

"It's probably the mission Hawley assigned us," Krieger said casually. "Strange I thought Piggly filled up back at the restaurant."

"He only took a few bites out of Mrs. Martin," Cheryl snorted. "Probably left a bad taste in his mouth."

"For a pig to think you don't taste good that's saying something," Pam nodded.

"Well you would know," Mallory glared at Pam.

"This is so going to be counted against us," Ray winced.

"You **think?** " Mallory snapped. She went to get another drink. "Great. You know Hawley is going to bitch about this even more tomorrow!"

"Krieger get that damn pig of yours under control before we make radioactive bacon out of it!" Lana barked.

"Eww…Even I wouldn't eat that," Pam winced. "Unless…"

"JUST GET THE DAMN PIG!" Mallory shouted. "And I am referring to the _four legged one_ that can actually **do something**! Except for you Gillette…Tell me. What exactly does Percy **do** , besides _yourself_?"

"He's an interior decorator whose clients are the One Percent of New Jersey," Ray told her. "And he designs wedding dresses as a hobby. As well as collecting vintage Barbie dolls."

"And Cecilia Martin had _no idea_ he was gay?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "The richest in New Jersey huh? See if you can get some contacts from him."

"What good will it do to get contacts from _New Jersey?"_ Archer asked.

"At this point I can take whatever I can get!" Mallory snapped.

"From Gillette, the best a man can get," Archer quipped. "Get it?"

"You are going to **get it** one of these days…" Mallory groaned as she went to take a drink.


End file.
